Blog

(16/02/2025)

my head kind of hurts. i feel a sense of contentness, and a sense of resignedness. there is a difference, but for me it feels the two are mixed together. i have the distant feeling that i should do something useful. perhaps i should make a list:

  • edit my website
  • compile all the forms of media i've seen/read/consumed or want to see/read/consume into a database (very tedious and and annoying)
  • write some sort of story
  • write another sort of story and make it into a game
  • watch videos on how to draw and stuff
  • watch series i've been putting off watching for a while
  • compile a playlist; download some songs
i think if i have some free time, i should spend it in anything that might give me a sense of fulfilment, rather than doomscrolling on pinterest. oh. all of this things need the laptop. but i don't have much to do outside it. i could go to the library and stuff, but thats not something i can do often. aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh how i wish i was all grown up, not stuck in this tedious boring life. when i grow up, i'll be able to do what i want (within realms of what i can) and be who i want (same as above). i mean its better than nothing. i feel so suppressed here. like no matter how much i want it, i cannot be who i want to be without changing the environment i'm in, and i don't have the independance to do that. maybe i'll draw some ugly sketches of anime-esque girls with shitty colouring. goodbye world.

(18/02/2025)

uhhh today was okay. i recently got braces and now my teeth hurt. bro why do i have to hurt so much because of a freaking overbite? anyway i'm a bit bummed today because one of my friends said she didn't want to walk home with me anymore. idk the reason. shes been so standoffish lately...well, ig there should be a good reason bcs shes not the sort of person to normally just do that without any reason. i mean we still talk but she doesn't give as interested responses anymore...I wonder if I did anything, because we seemed to be fine...she doesn't even respond to my text properly anymore, or initiate any conversation with me without any need. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont even have much friends anyway, so whenever i see smth online she would like, i always get sad. oh well.

(21/02/2025)

i really need to make my website better. it barely has any stuff in it. but i cant be bothereddddddddddddddddddddd

(22/02/2025)

i thought i would care more when you said you couldn't trust me anymore. my eyes were stinging a little but i couldn't be bothered to become emotional. a few minutes later i'm laughing with a group of friends. maybe its a phase. maybe i got over you. maybe you got over me. but either way i really loved you so much. so much. but i dont see the girl i loved anymore. you're gone. ever since you left me you've never be the same. and you never will. nothing will ever be the same. but if you ever want to come back, i'll greet you with a smile.

(26/02/2025)

ouhhh im so tiredddd ;( i went on a hike today, not realising how hot the weather was today and there also was a very steep climb so hiking up that hill felt like hell...but after that we went to a reserve and my friends and i ate lemonade ice lollies and lazed around in the sun :) that was fun ehehehe. anyway today was a-okay!

(1/03/2025)

i dont know what to dooooooo...i feel so uselesss ;( i have a lot of hw but i dont wanna do them, i have enough time for it...soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo aghaghagahgahagah DIEEIIEIEIEI

(12/03/2025)

I guess that means you don't like me, right. Because why else would you tell me you want to be left alone? You didn't tell the other people that you wanted to be left alone. Why can't you smile when you're with me? Am I that bad? Am I? Will my company always be something you loathe to deal with? Will I always just be an annoying nuisance you can't stand? The one who talks to when you don't want to and never has anything to say? Maybe that's how it always will be. Because it is me. At the end, I can't blame you, not really. It's my fault, for not being interesting enough, for not understanding your signals, for never having anything to say, for not being a joy in your life and a pleasure to hang out with. But, oh...oh, how much my heart aches whenever you excitedly explain one of your interesting anecdotes to others, your voice regaining the sparkle you lost when talking to me. You exclaim as they lose interest, "why won't you listen to me?". I would listen to you, but sadly you don't want me to hear.

(17/03/2025)

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr its cold today!!!! im lonely...

(18/03/2025)

my brain is NOT BRAINING. i feeling hqwfeiuqnqfucaciajfeuqjfeoiwqjfieqojwfioqjoisjo. *GLITCHES*

(24/03/2025)

i am feeling the intensity of being isolated from my classmates quite a lot today. I had a few superficial conversations with some people on our school and the amount of tests in the last week of school, but all of those were mainly to pass time, or to check an imaginary list in where there is a specific quota for socialising, not meeting it meaning you are a failure in the eyes of society. Anyway, those weren't conversations that were fulfilling in any sort of way, and I find myself yearning for a like-minded individual so we could share our thoughts on society and human behaviour. But no one who is available for talking even talks about that kind of stuff, so I am simply stuck in this situation until I find a place where there are people like so. I am also feeling the lack of productivity a lot, the lack of creativity, and the lack of fulfilment. I feel like writing something, but whatever I write fizzles away after a few sentences. Perhaps I should stop putting such limits and expectations on myself. Perhaps then I will feel fulfilled.