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(16/02/2025) my head kind of hurts. i feel a sense of contentness, and a sense of resignedness. there is a difference, but for me it feels the two are mixed together. i have the distant feeling that i should do something useful. perhaps i should make a list:

  • edit my website
  • compile all the forms of media i've seen/read/consumed or want to see/read/consume into a database (very tedious and and annoying)
  • write some sort of story
  • write another sort of story and make it into a game
  • watch videos on how to draw and stuff
  • watch series i've been putting off watching for a while
  • compile a playlist; download some songs
i think if i have some free time, i should spend it in anything that might give me a sense of fulfilment, rather than doomscrolling on pinterest. oh. all of this things need the laptop. but i don't have much to do outside it. i could go to the library and stuff, but thats not something i can do often. aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh how i wish i was all grown up, not stuck in this tedious boring life. when i grow up, i'll be able to do what i want (within realms of what i can) and be who i want (same as above). i mean its better than nothing. i feel so suppressed here. like no matter how much i want it, i cannot be who i want to be without changing the environment i'm in, and i don't have the independance to do that. maybe i'll draw some ugly sketches of anime-esque girls with shitty colouring. goodbye world.

(18/02/2025) uhhh today was okay. i recently got braces and now my teeth hurt. bro why do i have to hurt so much because of a freaking overbite? anyway i'm a bit bummed today because one of my friends said she didn't want to walk home with me anymore. idk the reason. shes been so standoffish lately...well, ig there should be a good reason bcs shes not the sort of person to normally just do that without any reason. i mean we still talk but she doesn't give as interested responses anymore...I wonder if I did anything, because we seemed to be fine...she doesn't even respond to my text properly anymore, or initiate any conversation with me without any need. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont even have much friends anyway, so whenever i see smth online she would like, i always get sad. oh well.

(21/02/2025) i really need to make my website better. it barely has any stuff in it. but i cant be bothereddddddddddddddddddddd

(22/02/2025) i thought i would care more when you said you couldn't trust me anymore. my eyes were stinging a little but i couldn't be bothered to become emotional. a few minutes later i'm laughing with a group of friends. maybe its a phase. maybe i got over you. maybe you got over me. but either way i really loved you so much. so much. but i dont see the girl i loved anymore. you're gone. ever since you left me you've never be the same. and you never will. nothing will ever be the same. but if you ever want to come back, i'll greet you with a smile.