today, the heat is making me sweat. I usually don't pay mind to the temperature, but sometimes sitting in my room with the overheating laptop and the door closed gets a bit suffocating, even for someone like me, who can't tell if they are hungry unless their stomach growls. But it isn't enough for me to open the door to let the ac's air come in. I think it might be a form of holy suffering, a way to atone for the hours of inactivity and laziness, starting drawings and never finishing them, staring at the screen 24 hours a day always evertime never getting off, but i cant help it really. i've got nothing better to do, my mind wanting to elevate itself to the most advanced or higher up technology it can find. not to say im a computer addict (actually not denying that), but really what do you expect when you make such immersive devices? I could go on and on living my life for ever like this, my life in cyberspace only taking breaks when i need to eat and sleep and shit. having bodies is annoying. they smell weird, they have unnecessary functions, can't live without food, and in general i envy the people made inside the computer, except that they can't fuck but we can so maybe thats a win for having carnal needs. But anyway, it would be good if i could just become something not of this world, something that doesn't sweat when it gets too hot, and needs to piss out blood everytime its not pregnant, and goddammit, having to fart and shit and piss and cum and all that junk coming out of your body (actually i might like cumming hehe), it just seems better to be a bunch of binary code or information or something.a form of divine perfection, if you say so. so far cyberspace has been the closest we have to being what we might call god, or the divine, or something metaphysical, beyond this existence. actually this life is not bad when you get used to it, because when there is perfection there is no bad and therefore no good. they can't live without each other. (me referring to good and bad as people, as if they could be represented as one). anyway maybe if i lived in a information paradise where i could be who ever i wanted to be without any conservations that would be good. wait, i don't think i've touched on this before. Ive wished sooooo so much that i was a boy or that i wasn't who i am now, boring desi muslim girl in a boring immigrant suburb somewhere in a place called australia. like, that doesn't feel like me, those adjectives don't describe me. i want to be everything and nothing at the same time, so simple i am complex and so complex i am simple. oh fuck i just wish i wasn't myself, or no, i am not myself, and i wish i was myself. yeah, like the person you call maliha is someone different to me entirely. i feel like my thought processes, my beliefs, and whatever shapes who i am, my identity, is entirely separate from the human life i lead, with the person named maliha, which is a weird name which i did not pick and i wish i can change it later. i really like the idea of changing your outside to match your inside, but no matter how hard i try i will not have a dick, and no matter how hard i try i cannot change the shape of my body, or be someone who isn't maliha. maliha is weird. i hate her. i hate being her. i don't like the way she is with other people. no matter how hard i try i cannot erase the fact that i am her and will always be her, whether i change my name, dye my hair, get a bunch of tattoos, act like someone else yada yada yada she will always haunt me. huh. also i dont know what i am. i think i might be some mutant brand of queer. who knows. all i know is i don't fit into any of the categories, or dont want to fit into any of the categories that society has made. i like the idea of being non-binary though, not one thing or the other, not defined. and anyway im not planning to go on hormones or what ever. i dont want to be trans or something. i just wanna feel how it is to have a dick, and maybe get a blowjob, and then like, idk, take it off or something? anyway i really hate the fact that i sweat, and the sweat smells bad, and also i might not be lesbian because i recently discovered i dont get off to yuri, or any forms of lesbian media, so yeah! maybe i havent seen enough, or maybe ill change but i think ive accepted that this is who i am now. people dont really need to know about all these thoughts though, so maybe when i grow up ill ditch my boring lifestyle and become someone new with my independence, and fuck a bunch of humans, and wear whatever the hell i want to. i really dont want the people who know me as i am now to see me as who i want to be. i dont want any of the fanfare of coming out. i dont need to convince my parents to accept me. ill keep on this charade until i can safely take it off and put all the things that will belong to me back where they should be and i'll make sure the walls arent bare the way they are now, a metaphor for the person who i am now, boring cringey laptop addicted bitch. but maybe cyberspace is the only place i can be where i want to be.