at school we had a careers expo. i dont know what i was expecting when i went there. most people went there to hang around with their friends and get stuff from the food trucks. And then maybe go inside to see some stalls or something. well i guess i thought i would be doing that kind of stuff too. but i don't have any 'fixed' friends who i'm always hanging out with and making plans with, not anymore. so i just have to sometimes drift from this group to that group, desperate for any scrap of attention. like a beggar, going from one person to another, getting alms sometimes but turned away most of the time. anyway, i spent 15 minutes sipping on this ice cold grapefruit slushie i bought alone to one side, waiting to see someone anyone....i felt pathetic and it was really cold and the drink was taking forever to finish so i threw it away and went inside...where i was again running after someone else... ohhhhhhhhh shit shit shit shit that didnt feel good. i wont go unless i've got a proper group which i am included in. should i chronicle everything that happens in my life? well that would take a long time but...i miss out on a lot of things and my entries are really sparse as a result...i probably will give up on doing it. seems like i can never do anything for myself...