i am wrought with despair...out of fear for my future. mmm...i mean somewhat, in a specific frame of mind i might think so, maybe i am overexaggerating my anxiety a bit. but i am concerned about whether i really will be able to live as a writer, whether people would actually want to read my writing, whether i even have the passion to write in the first place, whether i am wasting my talent in other studies such as maths and science for the sake of writing. but then again its not like anything has been properly decided. i can always make a career change and although it may be difficult it wont hurt me that much to live a bit frugally for a while. i guess in a privileged sort of country like this one always has a backup plan ready in case of failure. anyway maybe i don't care so much at all. or maybe i do care. maybe i do not care emotionally but it certainly plays a role in my reasoning. i wonder if people will appreciate what i have to say... do i really have that capacity? lately i have been terribly aware of my lack in intellegence, or maybe independent thought. especially when it comes to commenting on what someone else has said or written, i find it hard to find any mistakes in what the person is saying, maybe because i am quite naive and tend to have the best impression of someone no matter what. or maybe i just look at things objectively and fail to notice that being empathetic will probably be the ruin of me. either way, even if i am aware of such shortcomings, i in no way am able to improve the way i look at things. i wonder, is this my nature? or have i just not put in much effort into changing myself? i do know i have quite little care or motivation for things in general. one thing i do care about quite immensely is me becoming older and gaining the independence to live my own life. my parents are not bad but i just get annoyed at the fact that there is so much in the world, and here i am tapping on my laptop, not being able to change anything about my 'hostage' situation. really, my parents are way to possessive of me. it is as if i am some gold jewelery that will be stolen away the moment their eyes lay off me. i swear i love my parents, but they are quite insufferable at times. i especially dont like the fact that they have to intervene in every aspect of my life. if you treat me like a fucking heathen for not wanting to pray or criticising, rightfully, the stupid ass religion they follow which is the bane of my existence, then how do you expect be to lay bare all of my sorrows and sins to you, no way in hell. the feeling i get when i am minding my own business and i sense my mum standing behind me, trying in vain to comprehend what i am trying to do on maybe my laptop or elsewhere, that feeling is a mixture of annoyance and pity. i just lie and gaslight into thinking all is right with the world. my mum is too stupid for her own sake, she is a good person though. me, not so much. anyway i do feel bad being mean to her especially when she is all sick and whatever and not helping her when she asks me to. well, look at how efficient i am, expertly writing away my worries, yet my mum has told me at least ten different tasks to do, all of which i have forgotten to do and forgotten what i have been told to do. but i am a very spontaneous person, i dont like doing tasks when i am not in the mood, that is not the way i operate. for a while, i did try my best to be at her beck and call and tried to be as civil to her as possible (mainly to be able to show off my responsibility so that my parents can give me consent to get a job; both my parents and i know that i wouldn't have bothered otherwise) but i gave up after a while. too much of a bother you know? anyway i really think that maybe it would be better if i actually did help my mum out a bit, writing this entry has made me feel like a particularily bad person, when i obviously am better off in terms of morality objectively compared to most other people. so i will trudge (respectfully) to my mum and begrudgingly (sweetly) ask my mum if she has any tasks left for me to do. and lets see, maybe if i do enough, my mum might be willing to put the internet back on today.......