i am a liar. every single thing i say is not real. i am not real. if i say i am real, i am lying. i've been polished to meet the needs of whoever wants to see me. whoever wants to know me will only the me that i will make for them. im tired of all of these barriers, all of this lying, i hate not being able to be who i want to be. how can i exist when i am me? how can i? how can i? i am not me, never was. inside is a whole different person, gearing the controls, steering the wheel. you only see outside. i only see outside. i dont think i see your inside either. maybe we are all the same. maybe we are only as unique as the next person. maybe no matter how hard we try we will never truly know everything about anything. we are small useless pieces of skin bone blood electricity going about our day, following the whims of That Which Is Normal (Above). normal, normal, normal, is it really real? everything is so RARE so SPECIAL like we arent all useless and worthless. ugh i hate everything. i hate pretending like im the perfect girl, the perfect student, aww, it's okay, i don't mind. I DONT CARE. I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. THIS LIFE IS SOMETHING I NEED TO GET OUT. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I CANT FUCKING WAIT FOR ME TO BE FUCKING 18 FOR ME TO JUST BE MY FUCKING SELF. WHY WHY WHY WAS I BORN INTO SUCH A STUPID FUCKING FAMILY LIKE THIS WHY CANT I BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE WITHOUT SOME ANNOYING BITCHY UNCLE BREATHING UNDER MY SKINNN FUCKKKKKKKKKKIKKKKK SHIT. ugh i dont want to do this. i dont want to do anything. no. the things i want are out of reach. just wait until i get older and more control over my life. its so fucking frustrating, i hate sitting on the floor like a beggar, reading quran till my throat hurts and my voice is hoarse, wearing all black like a fucking funeral. i never want to go back to anything. this year i will only move away from this life. get a job that will score me money. get me friends outside of my school. get a life outside my sanitised bubble of this orthodox prophet wannabe conservative ass community. can i please live without my parents reminding of this is haram that is haram FUCK IF I CARE? I DONT GIVE A SHIT. AGGHHAGHGAHGAHGHAGHAGHAGH CAN I BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE. IM NOT YOUR FUCKING PUPPET. I DONT CARE ABOUT BEING A SLAVE TO A SELFISH GOD I DONT GIVE A DAMN IF IM GOING TO HELL BECAUSE IT DOESNT EXIST? DO I BELIEVE? NO I DONT I NEVER PROCLAIMED TO BE ANYTHING WHEN I SAID I WAS A PROUD MUSLIM I WAS LYING THAT GUY WAS RIGHT WHEN HE CALLED ME A HYPOCRITE BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I TRULY AM AT MY CORE. TWO-FACED HYPOCRITICAL LIAR THAT IS ALL. you're leaving me, *****. youve become a total different person. we talk like we would talk to any other sort of person. were we ever anything more special than that. i love you but im sorry to say i dont think much about you anymore. youre drifting away to your perfect selective life while i wither away back at ** *****. your face looks so foreign. you're supposed to hurt me, and im supposed to not get hurt. where did you go? ever since you knew you were going to leave you started to leave from my heart bit by bit. were all so nice so sweet like sugar your mouth was kind of smudged because of the lip tint you bought a while ago it was really shiny. i remember when i used to be scared of every single tiny thing i did whether it would hurt anymore than you have already hurted. i didnt think i would ever want to be you, but now i do. youre so nice but youre just like everyone else. everyone is the same. including me. im still a liar lying to ****** lying to you lying to everyone. how much longer till you finish taking photos my cheeks hurt from smiling. oh. at the end i keep talking about myself. cant even talk about you. youre not pouring your heart into your words when you talk to me anymore. did you ever really do that? i dont really remember anymore.