do you feel holy? do you feel holy? wasting your lives away, praying to a god that does not exist, filling your heart with a piety that is fake. fake, fake, fake, he's not even there! he's not real! never was! they were just lying. it's all a lie, a big fat ploy to get us to do what they want. oh you think you are praying to god but in fact you are praying to them. they might as well be your god. what, do you think its all true? you laugh at people for believing in legends on how the world was made, believing in majestic creatures of myth, believing in spirits and ghosts and ghouls and demons and fairies and anything that they know exists but does not exist, and yet, and yet, you are the same, the exact same, the things you believe in are just as bad as the ones they believe in. you are all fools competing in your foolery. i don't wish to partake. but you still wish to fool me.
i will not be fooled.

(second entry) well well well ive been reading my ramblings from before...oogghhh im messed up. i dont suppose i wrote here the day ***** said she didn't want to associate with me anymore. but i wrote on my blog. so yh i guess that counts. anyway yesterday i was in the shower and i was making up a scenario where i made a gift for ***** on her birthday and then went to her house rang her doorbell then left. inside the gift i would give her some of her favourite stuff and i would also write a note about a bunch of different stuff and i would say i was sorry and i wouldnt mention my name. and then when she sees me she'll ask me, was this you, did you do this, and i'll be like hahaha how did you know and then she'll be like i don't know what to say, let me think about this and then she will think about it and then she will call me on the phone and say shes willing to recontinue our friendship again. and everything will be nice and happy. the end anyway i dont think anyone likes me really. im just there a supporting friend a cast member a background character people will only think of me when they need something from me. oooooooooooooooooooof im so embarassing and whatever and im also very boring and i probably stink. plus i look really ugly so people probably just put up with me and pretend to be nice. i bet everyone does that. the only reason im not alone at snack and lunch is because the person i hang out with doesn't have any other choice or is forced by circumstance. why would anyone want to hang out with me. im a sorry excuse for a human being and i dont have any redeeming qualities that will make someone like me. why do i even try to live and like and have fun when at the end there is no one who will think of me when they think of their favourite person. i really hate myself and i hate the way i look and the way i talk and my personality and character and everything about me. i cant even think properly when it comes to my friends and now no one wants me anymore. hahaha i cant imagine that i ever thought i was special or someone important. maybe then i was but now i dont suppose much people would care if i moved away. also every person who i consider as a friend probably doesn't even think about me. or they do but they feel annoyed. no wonder they dont interact with me unless they need to. why would anyone go out of their way for me? im not worth it. aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its so hot and sweaty again. i want to drink water.