Today, as I was changing out of my school uniform, I saw an interesting sight out of my bedroom window. Two pigeons were next to each other on a fence, yet they weren’t facing each other. They didn’t move, except for the occasional head turn, and the wind ruffling their feathers. Naturally, upon seeing this sight, my brain decided to concoct various hypotheticals in why the birds were in that position. Maybe they weren’t facing each other because they had just had an argument and were now ruminating on what to do next with each other. Or maybe they were strangers who had decided to huddle together to take advantage of their body heat, in sight of the very cold and windy weather.

I know the interactions of birds wouldn’t be that deep. But it led me to think about how this sort of peaceful coexistence is quite hard to implement in real life. What I mean is that, normally when two people who know each other stand or sit together, it feels necessary to talk, or to interact with the person in some way, otherwise the situation ends up feeling quite awkward. Or maybe it is just me? I do not know. But either way, sometimes it feels like it is necessary to initiate conversation with a nearby person, just to take up space or something like that. It feels like a lot of the social interactions I have with other people are like so, just surface level formalities about things we already know. In general, that sort of talk is just repeating what we already know. It doesn’t feel like talking.

I am quite an awkward person. I find it hard to navigate social interactions and I often do not know how to respond to social cues. This has led to me isolating myself so I don’t talk to people outside of necessary things. I think that has impacted my social ability quite a bit, and now it is a pain to converse with people one-on-one now. And whenever I am put in such a situation, and it doesn’t really go well, I feel myself filling with a sort of shame, and it feels like I am letting the person down. It’s not really a good feeling. But on the other hand, whenever I succeed at having a proper social interaction, it fills me with a sort of satisfaction that I don’t find elsewhere. It’s kind of stupid, really. But it is what it is.

All of this leads me to treating socialisation as a skill to be honed, rather than as a way to connect with another person. But there are so many things to consider. I have to think about what that person is interested in and what their character is like, and then I have to think about what topics to bring up (which is another whole ordeal), and then I also have to make sure I don’t say anything that challenges any opinions, and…you get it.

I wish it didn’t have to be that way though. I wish I was able to connect to another person, without such things holding me back. I know I could be more open, but I can’t find any people who would appreciate my personality as it is. And plus, I’m kind of a wuss, so mask it is. But I find myself envying those birds who don’t need to think about all of that. It really must be simple.

Anyway, after a few minutes of perching on the fence, the two of the birds saw something in the distance and flapped their wings away, leaving me in the wake of their quiet stillness.