talking talking talking, it seems thats all school is about. hello how are you whoa that looks so cool what are you doing. i smile until my cheeks hurt. it feels like my face is going to crack. formality upon formality, when will we actually talk? i keep fumbling every conversation, my tongue keeps stumbling over my words. i dont really have much to say, anyway. what can i say? its not like im really witty or have a lot of interesting stories to share. my jokes all fall flat and people only listen to me to be nice. when someone says something nice i can only laugh politely because thats the minimum i can do. i wish i could say something better. everyone else seems like they always know exactly what to say back. its like they have a scipt that they studied beforehand, which i didn't get. i feel grateful for one successful conversation. im just picking for crumbs. dont have the ability nor energy to look for something better. today, they were talking. talking about the people we used to know and the people we used to like. as usual, i was silent because i didnt know what to say. what do i say? what can i say? how can i say it? and even if i do say something, its not like they hear it all the time. my words get out of my mouth and fade before they reach their ears. and sometimes i would rather not talk. why are they so hateful? theyre so nice to me, but they gossip so much. everything is something to complain about. today, they were talking about a friend or two that we dont hang out with. they were criticising how she stresses too much about exams, what sort of books she reads, and what shows she like. that kind of gossip happens all the time. i wish i could stand up for them, but i feel like its only to make myself not feel guilty. if i say, stop talking bad, then what? its not like theyre going to actually stop, nor would it matter to either of the subjects whether they talk behind their back or not. it makes me think, how long until they talk about me like this? how long until i will be just a friend they dont like as much anymore? ive been constantly on edge, masking myself, apologising for every small thing, trying my best to get on their good side, trying to say something funny even if it sounds fucking pathetic. i know its stupid. but they are my only chance to not become a loner. hahh... i wonder how they would react if they saw this side of me. i cant even begin to imagine how fast and seriously they would gossip. at least i would become a good conversation topic. makes for some entertaining bonding time.